I don't want to change and you can't make me!Five keys to lasting change
April 16, 2007 - by Katie Brazelton and Janet Foster
I recently had lunch with a friend, whom we'll call Sally, who reported that she and her husband could barely speak to one another without having an argument. She added that friends and family members had offered their opinion, noting that her insecurities and communication style were definitely part of the problem. When I asked whether she felt the feedback was accurate, she replied: "They are probably right, but I don't have the patience to change. It's too difficult - too much work."
It's often said that if two or more people bring the same issue to our attention, the issue probably has merit. So let's assume for just a moment that Sally's got issues - just like the rest of us! And, let's assume that her friends and family have truly identified some specific areas for improvement that could be life-changing for her.
Why is she resisting and why do we resist? Bottom line, because we don't see that the payoff for change will outweigh the effort it will take to change. We are not thinking from God's eternal perspective; we are thinking with our tired minds, broken hearts, and dispirited souls.
I wish change happened along the lines of how my iRobot Roomba vacuum works! Have you seen one of those fast-thinking machines in action? They have a sensor that helps them change direction at a moment's notice. If they hit a wall, they simply bounce off it and take that as clear instructions to try a different route. Wouldn't it be incredible if all we had to do was to sense, literally, when to change directions - and Voila, it would happen!
But let's face it. For us, change is much more difficult; it takes patience and a ton of effort. Change comes from putting our thoughts into action. Sometimes it is a dramatic leap, but most of the time it happens little by little as new behavior is practiced and new habits are learned. For those who are partial to instant gratification, this repetition is more likely to make us groan than inspire us to change. Fortunately, we don't have to rely on our own will power or determination. God has supplied all the tools and resources needed to make the journey a success.
Sally is fortunate. She has taken one giant step forward without even realizing it. She has admitted that she has a problem. The path to lasting change starts with ownership of our emotions, attitudes, motives, and actions. For those who suffer from selective denial (yes, my hand is raised), a root canal will sound more appealing. The good news is that wounded pride about our shortcomings isn't fatal! God already knows the areas in which we struggle. Admitting weakness and taking responsibility prepare our heart for the next step.
And that's where Sally is getting hung up: She now needs to acknowledge that she is going to need God's help. Philippians 1:6 could be of great comfort to her: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (NIV) God always has our best interest in mind. We must surrender our circumstances to him and trust him to see the change through to completion. Over the years, I have found that focusing on five P's has worked for me: Presence, Prayer, Preparation, Patience, and Perseverance.
The Five P's to Life-Long Change
1. Get into God's presence. Hebrews 11:16 (NIV) says, "He rewards those who earnestly seek him." Whether your preference is listening to worship music, meditating, or reading the Bible, take the time to get into God's presence. If you will feed your spirit when times are good, it will help you be strong when times are bad.
2. Pray for God's strength and guidance. Mark 11:24 (NIV) promises, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Keep the communication line with God open. Share with him your concerns and fears. Declare in prayer that you know how powerful he is and in whose hands you place your human efforts.
3. Prepare your heart for a positive outcome. The Bible states, "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Peter 1:13 NIV) Visualize the desired outcome, then take action to prepare yourself in advance for his victory that is already at hand.
4. Be patient with yourself. Ecclesiastes 7:8 (NIV) teaches: "The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride." God's work is accomplished in his good timing, and the good news is that the outcome won't be one nanosecond late. God's timing is perfect, so wait patiently for the end of the matter.
5. Persevere. Don't give up! Remember that "Perseverance must finish its work." (Jas 1:12 NIV) The outcome you desire could be days, hours, or only minutes away! Keep your eyes focused on the prize and never give up. In fact, as Winston Churchill once said, "Never, never, never give up."
Change is definitely not easy, but it is essential to our spiritual growth as Christians, and it is quite doable if we learn to sit in God's presence, pray, prepare ourselves, be patient with ourselves, and persevere. What opportunities for change invite action from you today? Will you take the first step in admitting the truth of needing to change and the second step in leaning on God, or will you say, "I don't want to change, and you can't make me!"
